I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
