This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
