I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
