When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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