so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
