i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
