He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
