my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Boobs are out for the taking
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
