I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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