I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
