I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
