so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
