I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
