Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
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Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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