If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When did angry sex become our thing?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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