i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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