He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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