You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
