Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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