why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
