3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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