I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
