Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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