she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
