I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
