i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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