What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize