As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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