I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
