you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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