There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
