This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
