I heard we made out
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
