i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
