her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
