Already got asked if we're dating
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
