I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
