I am spending my child support on dildos
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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