i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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