Welp...herpes.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
