Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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