I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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