I am puke
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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