it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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