I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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