I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
