I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
