I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
