She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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