Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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