she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got inside last night via doggy door
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
