I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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