Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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