I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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