i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
