I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
